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IF YOU'RE OLD ENOUGH TO REMEMBER WHAT WE FONDLY (AND erroneously) refer to as kinder, gentler times, you remember when television commercials were like Calpurnia, Caesar's wife — beyond reproach.

Nothing suggestive, then. A commercial for brassieres would have the underpinning fastened discreetly on a mannequin. Cautious men and women in white coats sanitized on-the-air promotions for laxatives and stomach settlers.

Advance your sundials 20-some years. These times are neither kind nor gentle, and watching some of the television commercials for…aah…male occasional deficiencies…a dispassionate (how about that word for that subject?) observer might conclude that Calpurnia has been replaced by Caligula.

So the commercials, and the products they pitch, are fair game for two wry and interesting points:

First, why do those television commercials for Viagra, Levitra and Cialis feature men having difficulties with good-looking young women, instead of with reality — vintage types considerably more likely to require additional stimulation on the part of their shopworn guys?

Here's a commercial that shows a reasonably fit, reasonably athletic guy throwing a football through a rubber tire. Great symbolism, guys. But that's all he needs to stir the fervor of an attractive woman. Here's another that shows a couple on the beach. She's swarming all over him, and he's grinning lustily, either because of his forthcoming talent fee or because he sees the humor in the suggestion that a hale fellow in his 30s, subject of an ardorous attack by a gorgeous woman, needs an $8 pill to respond.

And second, who named those products? Viagra can claim a mild affiliation with “Vigor,” but Levitra? Cialis? In concert, Viagra, Levitra, and Cialis sounds like the name of a Latvian law firm.

We shouldn't be surprised at strange names for prescription drugs. Cholesterol medicines, for example, have abandoned their affinity for an “or” ending that started with the original, Mevacor. After Mevacor followers Zocor and Lipitor showed up, names ran a little wild — Pravachol, Vytorin, Baycol (pulled off the market), Zetia. Oops. Now comes a revival of the “or” suffix with Crestor.

Most of these formulations are “statins.” Vytorin, for example, is an alias for Ezetimibe Simvastatin — which easily could be the name of the warlord of Namibia. But why not use the suffix? “Statin” sounds sort of statesmanlike. “Statinex” certainly seems more salesworthy than Vytorin, which somehow reminds us of the bathroom. Oh, well, they didn't ask us. But they certainly swamp us with advertising.

I was unhappy to see Vioxx pulled off the market, because in my opinion “x” is the perfect ultimate letter for a product name, and Vioxx had two of them. Celebrex, under attack but still game, follows the pattern. What if those two had hit the pharmacy shelves with their actual names, rofecoxib and celecoxib? The class-action hyena-lawyers would have been nonplused, having to run fright-advertising, “Did you take Rofecoxib and now are unable to ask the pharmacist if your prescription is ready because you can't spell it?”

Crestor (oh, pardon me — rosuvastatin) struggles under an even more perverse curse. Its detractors claim it causes rhabdomyolysis. Now that's worthy dinner conversation! But you can ace it with this newest obfuscation from Pfizer: Torcetrapib. It boosts your HDL and lowers your perception.

The spillout (another term used advisedly) from those ads for members of the Latvian law firm is considerable and, when the lawyers tire of the spelling bee, possible grist for more action (word used advisedly) because they suggest…whatever. Don't you wonder about conversations in households where children watch those increasingly blunt, outspoken, and visually explicit commercials: “What are they talking about, Daddy? What's a dysfunction?”

“Well, ah, uh, uh…it's nothing.”

Hey, that's a pretty good description.

On analysis, this group of medical wonder drugs is just one example of television advertising that knocks itself out in hyperbole. Some of the automobile commercials are actually funny: An ordinary car drives by. Everybody goes gaga and swoons. Why? What is there about that car that separates it from all the others we've seen in the same station-break that also had passersby and parking attendants swooning? Maybe they're swooning because the standard automobile commercial has the car speeding and suddenly swinging around in a squeal of tires. Don't try this at home. Stick with products from Latvia.

Maybe there's a tie. Ford now has a car called Fusion, which seems to bridge the gap between autos and human augers. (Bentley has one called the Drophead, and that has to keep buyers heading for the drugstore instead of the showroom. The Drophead has 450 horsepower. Match that, Viagra!)

Oh, well. Sponsors already are lining up for the next Super Bowl, many months away. They'll spend in excess of $2 million for 30-second commercials. After the game, surveys will show that only a fraction of the viewers remember any of those commercials, and of that group it will be an even split between those who recall who paid for the exposure and a competitor who happens to have a similar product. Does a drug exist for dysfunctional advertising?

Ahhh…Anyway, the Latvian law firm drugs probably won't have the Super Bowl on their schedule. I don't think the game is a good home for advertising by Viagra, Levitra and Cialis. Maybe by that time they'll have more competition. We can have a “Super Bowel” contest to see who comes up with the most meaningless name. How about Blptstyp? Has a nice ring, doesn't it? Or maybe, if we want chimes as background music, Minglebongle? No, that's too close to what it really is.

So…if the kids ask, “Daddy, what are they advertising?” the guys have a completely logical answer: “Ask your mother.”

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HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS (www.herschellgordonlewis.com) is the principal of Lewis Enterprises in Fort Lauderdale, FL. He consults with and writes direct response copy for clients worldwide. His curmudgeonly titled 28th book, “Asinine Advertising,” has just been published. Among his other books are “On the Art of Writing Copy” (third edition), “Marketing Mayhem” and “Effective E-mail Marketing.”